New Year, New Updates

Hello to all my wonderful readers. It has been quite a while since I have written and I will tell about that later on, however, at this moment we must pay great tribute to someone.

It has been a couple of days since the news came through, but better late than never. It has taken me a while to process the passing of this wonderful life and in truth, I am still processing the news as are many other lives across the world. With the passing of David Bowie, we lose a life that has changed more lives than he will ever know. He was a musical legend and has personally meant a lot to me in the last couple of years. His music taught me to expand my mind in many ways and taught me how to truly be okay with being just who I am. With his different stages in his musical career, he also taught many other souls, just like his, to be who they are and continue on with themselves and only themselves. Many friends of mine were quite devastated with the news of passing and considered him a role model. With this being said, we must celebrate Bowie and all he was and all he will ever be. He will go down in history as one of the greats.

With the sad side of me out of the way, I would like to tell all you lovely people that I have officially started the process of writing a book. It’s actually really exciting and I’m hoping it’s really exciting for you as well. From time to time, I’ll post small snippets that I’ve written. I don’t want to give out a lot of detail about it because I’m still in the early stages of writing. However, I can tell you that it does combine a few of my posts that I’ve already written on here. One of my resolutions for the year was to write more and this is what has come of that resolution.

However, for now, I will post something new I wrote a few nights ago while I was having trouble falling asleep. It’s a short poem and for me, poetry is unusual. I can read it, I can analyze it, I can’t write it. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

For the moment,

This has been Neutrality

Thoughts From the Airplane

Hello my dearies. Yes, it’s been quite a while since my last post. With the end of my first semester of college, moving out of my apartment dorm, and going on vacation, things have been a little hectic and draining. However, with a nice long vacation in the carribbean, I’m feeling especially refreshed and full of new ideas and thoughts. So, with that being said, I want to tell you all my airplane thoughts.

Over the past week, I’ve taken four plane rides to and from the carribbean. A total of  almost nine hours of air travel. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken an early morning flight, the kind where it’s still dark outside, but it’s quite amazing. There’s something about take off and watching all the lights pass you by then slowly slip away as you leave the ground. To get even more cheesy, I was also listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity. Somewhere in all of this beauty, I had myself thinking. As the lights of nearby communities slowly slipped away further and further from me, I could only think of how many people lived in those communities.

I thought about how many people were in each one of those thousands of houses that I was flying over. I thought about how each one of those individuals was going to wake up in the next few hours, get dressed and eat breakfast, and then go on with their day doing what they believe they are meant for. Then I thought where do I fit in with all of these people? I know it’s quite a melodramatic question, but haven’t we all thought that at least once in our lives? Where do we fit in with the rest of the world? Well this was my moment. As I watched these unknown people in their unfamiliar homes become invisible through cloud cover, I couldn’t shake the question from my mind.

I still haven’t been able to answer this question. Over the last month, I changed my major to creative writing and my minor to photography and the same question gets asked every time I say this: What are you going to do with a degree in creative writing? I was also asked this question a lot when my major was photography. I know you’re supposed to have an idea in mind as to what you want to be or what you want to do when you finish your college career, but this time last year, I had to ask to go to the bathroom at school. I don’t even know what I want to have for dinner tomorrow night and you’re asking me what I want to do for the rest of my life? Maybe I am being a little dramatic, in fact I know I am, but I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just want to be happy.

I don’t think people think about their happiness enough. I always ask myself that when I’m eighty years old and sitting in a rocking chair with my cat on my lap, will I be happy with how I’ve spent my life? Yes, I know having a career and being financially stable and all that junk is important, but as a human being you’re allowed to do the things that make you happy. Maybe it’s just me, but I see more people working just to make money rather than working because they were in love with what they were doing. Maybe it’s just me. I’m a firm believer in doing what makes you happy no matter the outcome, unless of course if you put someone’s life in danger. That’s a whole other story and when you get caught doing whatever you’re doing, don’t use my name.

To get back to what I was saying earlier, I have no clue where I fit in with the rest of the world at all and I’m totally content with that. Yes, it’ll be a frustrating, long trek down a foggy, uncertain path, but it’s something I need to do to be happy. Even with the unexpected twists and turns, I intend to smell every rose and gaze at every star in the night sky. You’re probably thinking at this point well that’s just a waste of time but let me tell you something: when I’m eighty years old, sitting in my rocking chair with my cat on my lap, I’ll be able to say I lived my life happily and I can die knowing I did what was best for me.

Who knows, maybe when I’m eighty I’ll still be writing and taking photographs. In fact, I know I will be.

Thank You

My heart is a precious thing. It’s a precious object that beats and beats and beats. It pumps real blood and has real pulses. I know you felt the pulses, I know you did. You held me so close, closer than I had ever been held. You put me on a pedestal so high, high enough I could reach for a star and bring it back down. I can remember the day I met you, I can remember the days we could do absolutely nothing and be comfortable, I can remember the last day I ever saw you, I can remember the last thing I ever said to your face. I remember saying goodbye.

You tore every little feeling apart, to absolute shreds. I could feel the strings in my body wither away with every word you never said. I hear every chord snap inside in my body, my ears were on fire with explosions inside me. I could see my bright, red beating heart turn to a slow, dreadful grey. Turning thirty-second notes to whole notes, going from two hundred miles an hour to a mere five miles per hour.

I remember the day I saw you with her and how much I wished it was me. I looked at her and all I could feel was a complete jealous rage take over and my eyesight had gone red, then cleared with tears. I had wanted to be her more than anything and she had everything I wanted. She had you and your undivided attention and you looked at her the way I could only imagine you looking at me again. I remember the time where you looked at me like that; with total adoration and unwavering focus, like you were holding onto every word I said like it was the last word that would ever come out of my mouth. I wanted to believe that it could be like forever.

Slowly you forgot me. You forgot about those small important memories we shared and all the wonderful whimsies that had come from our almost relationship. The fire in your eyes for me had been put out and couldn’t be re-lit. I lost you and I thought it was my fault. I blamed myself for ever putting myself in a position where we made ourselves so vulnerable and susceptible to a terrible love. Everyday that passed without you by my side was terrifying and the days I saw you with her made me the most depressing shade of blue. The fire in your eyes had been lit by someone else and it saddened me to think that it couldn’t be me anymore. The sadness turned into a depression turned into a numbness.

When I was numb I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t hear anyone, and everyday turned into a routine of dragging myself out of bed pretending that I was ok and I will go on with my life. I would go on but I would still love you even after the terrible emotional instability I had been suffering from. Finally, I knew I needed to get on with my life. So I did it in the only way I knew I could; I got disgustingly drunk. I drank and I drank and then somewhere in the middle of my drunken state, I had a realization. Why was I so heartbroken by someone who couldn’t give me the time of day and ultimately didn’t give a fuck about my emotions? What the hell was I doing with myself? Why was I emotionally destroying myself over this shit? I realized I had no reason to be angry or upset or depressed because I realized I had him in my life. Somewhere in my depressive state, hungry for someones affection, I had met him and he fit a bill that hadn’t even been written up.

He became someone to me than I could even imagine at the moment. When I was with him, every terrible thought of you disappeared from my mind and I suddenly felt like I was breathing fresh air, like someone had pulled me out of the water and saved me from drowning. He made me feel things I had never felt before and had turned my melancholy sounds into a joyous opera.

I won’t go into detail about my happiness because you don’t deserve to know how my happiness. I thought you had ruined me when in reality you put me into a direction that led me to someone who is more amazing than you ever were to me. You filled me with hate and fear where he fills me with love and hope for a better me and an even better us. This is my thank you letter to you. My thank you for making me understand what I’m really worth and who I’m really worth. My thank you for the tear soaked and mascara stained pillow cases that led to a crave for affection. My thank you for leading me to him and making me see the beauty in not being with you. I hope this letter makes you understand how much instability you caused me and how your decisions affected me even when you took me out of your equation of creating the perfect life. I hope you realize how you ruined me and my image of myself. I hope you realize what you’re capable of and that you never do it to another person.

Thank you for helping me find him and leaving behind the person I had become when I was in love with you.

Cat Calls Are for Cats

I want to be extremely vocal about this issue and I mean extremely. Catcalling isn’t cool. It just isn’t.

On my way to class this morning, a moving truck was driving past and a 40-year-old man leaned out the window and yelled out “Hey sexy!” When I was waiting for a car outside the train station a few weeks ago, another older gentlemen came up to me to tell me I was “fine as hell” and then proceeded to give me the good ol’ up-down. These are only two instances in a lifetime full of being catcalled.

I want to make it very clear right now how very uncool it is. It does not matter what I’m wearing, I’m not asking for it. It does not matter if I’m alone or not, I’m not asking for it. It does not matter if I’m a full figured woman, small and tiny, or just plain average, I’m still not asking for it. If you catcall a woman at any age, it is not a compliment, it’s an insult.

Women were not put on this earth for male entertainment. If you are going to cat call someone, make sure it’s an actual cat.

-Neutrality

Motivational Phrases People Should Be Told

Over the last few months, I have made a lot of changes in my life. By this time next year, I’ll be living in Baton Rouge and going to Louisiana State University, hopefully on the LSU color guard. I will not be continuing my education at Columbia College next semester and have also changed my major. I applied to be a contributing writer for a website the tI’m absolutely obsessed with and have decided that I want to make a career out of writing. All this change and not a lot of time to process it all at once. So this week, I had heard a couple of phrases that lifted my spirits and gave me some motivation to work harder and push myself further.

1.) “You don’t get anywhere if you don’t try.”

Let me start this by saying someone said this to an elevator full of people when he tried to squeeze in. I guess he really didn’t have the patience to wait for the next one. However, I thought about this one deeply. Many a time in my life have I given up on something because it got too hard and I wasn’t trying hard enough or pushing myself to be better. For instance, I was on the Track and Field team in the seventh grade and when it got too hard for me, I decided to quit. Once I had quit I immediately regretted the decision. I’m convinced I’m still paying for this decision. With that being said, I think this one small instance has helped me push myself further. Ever since then, I was on my eighth grade cheer squad, I have been on a varsity level scholastic color guard team, participate in a highly competitive winter guard, and I think I’ve even improved my running somewhere along the way. Go me, getting back to the roots of what caused me to push myself.

So, to all my readers who need a little extra motivation to finish out their day or to go for something they might be nervous to, you don’t get anywhere if you don’t try. No matter how big or how small, just try and you will succeed. Don’t hold back.

2.) “Thank God you’re here.”

Now, while this isn’t a particularly obvious motivator, I think it’s one phrase that can make anyone feel good about themselves. I heard someone say this to another person in my history class this week and I thought it was the sweetest thing anyone could say. When this person said this, he followed it with, “I firmly believe that everyone should be told this at least once in their life.” How sweet and adorable is that? Now, here’s why I think this is considered a motivational phrase. If I’m honest, my personal life has kind of sucked over the last couple of months, but lately it’s been looking up for multiple reasons. So, when people say things like this to others, it genuinely makes you feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself, you feel more motivated to push yourself towards your goals. This is why, along with my history class mystery man, I believe it’s important people should be told “Thank God you’re here.”

Once again, to my readers, thank God you’re here. Without you I wouldn’t be writing and I wouldn’t have decided to make a career out of writing.

From your dearest,

Neutrality

History Distractions

Her irises were filled with the spirit of freedom and the color of steam dimmed her soul. She had never felt a happiness that made her so sad, for the first time in her life she had a fear so real she couldn’t quite fathom it. She chose to ignore the fear and follow the man that called her name. He stole her heart and hoped to God he wouldn’t give it back. Unfortunately, there came a time when he stopped calling and lost herself completely.

Her wild spirit no longer existed, the grey in her eyes had taken over. She could finally understand what she could not before and understand her fear was of sadness. She found her fear of sadness was so strong she buried it deep inside her, deep enough so it could never see the light of day. She cried herself to sleep and became a modern day Sleeping Beauty, waiting for her true loves kiss to wake her starving heart. Only in her dreams could she imagine her spirit riding once again, once again alive with freedom, her steam colored eyes tinted blue, life returning to her.

She no longer sleeps.

A little something lame I wrote when I was just distracted in history today. It’s lame, I know, but oh well, here you go.

11:45 PM

Here I am at 11:45 PM and I have to get up at 6:45 in the morning to be able to make my activities for the day and I’ve been tired all day as it is. I guess tomorrow I’ll really be needing the coffee. However, being tired leaves me with my thoughts and that could either be really good or really bad.

So, here’s my one thought I’ve had that I can actually make sense of; when you have an opportunity in front of you, don’t jump into it, you need to dive into it. You can’t look at something on the surface and only understand the surface. You have to go deeper and understand what it’s really all about.

My fault is that I see things on the surface and I don’t want to take the time to understand deeper because I feel like I already know everything that could go wrong. I can admit to that and I can also admit that I’ve been trying to harder to get better at that. However, I’m not doing so well. When I see things on the surface, I get nervous and I don’t want to make myself vulnerable by diving into something that could go awry. So if you ever feel like I’m not 100% putting myself out there, that’s why.

I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks how this is really hurting me in different life situations and I’m honestly trying to be better about these things. I know that this isn’t the best thought out blog I’ve written and I’m probably going to end up deleting this in the morning when I wake up and realize how poor this really is. But, now, here I am, a few hours later at 1:02 AM. My thoughts have remained the same and the one at the forefront of my mind is still this; don’t jump, just dive.

-Neutrality

Moms Best Advice

Every year on Valentine’s Day, my parents always give me a card and a small gift, like chocolates or a stuffed animal. Valentine’s Day 2015, I had felt so emotionally broken and torn apart because all of my friends had these great significant others and romantic plans. I know this sounds a little bit petty of me, however, I get lonely quite easily, which also isn’t my best trait.

I had practice that day and I was home alone. My parents had gone to stay in the city for the weekend, so, like few, I went home to my two dogs and lovable cat. I bought myself a nice pasta dinner after practice and decided to just relax the rest of the night. I sat on the couch after walking my dogs and noticed that my mom had left a card and a small gift. Like I mentioned earlier, this was usual.

Cards have always been my favorite part of any gift to open up. I love the cheesy and cliche lines that the Hallmark people come up with. Yes, they are cheesy and cliche, but they never fail to make you smile. I opened up the card that my mom had left me and took a long look at the front simply because it was too cute. The front was a black and white photo of little girls dressed as ballerinas with pink glitter used in different spots. However, the message my mom left for me overshadowed the entire card.

The week that had led into my night alone was emotionally stressful and my mom knew so. I told her everyday when I came home from school and she tried her best to cheer me up but I just wasn’t feeling it. The message she left read, “Remember the greatest things come when you’re not looking for them.” At the time I didn’t believe it fully but I teared up a bit when I read it.

It’s taken me up until the last few weeks to understand this advice and I can honestly say that I have taken it to heart and I can’t wait to see where this small piece of advice will land me. Thanks Mom, you’re pretty rad.

A Small Something On the Spot

I wrote a book with one thousand and ninety-seven pages.

The first page is about the day I met you.

The last page is about the day you broke my heart.

The one thousand and ninety-five pages in between are about every day I was in love with you. Head over heels, madly, hopelessly, and shamelessly in love with you.

I can remember the day we met, from the last day I saw you. I remember tiny details of small conversations. I remember the late nights spent talking and sometimes the talking for days on end.

I remember the times you would never talk to me and make me beg for your attention. I can feel the tear-filled nights like a fresh wound. I can remember every small dig you made into me and you having no idea.

There were days when you felt so close and days you felt a million miles away. Every hello was a blessing and every goodbye was said with a heavy heart. Days and days would pass and I wouldn’t see you and those would be lonely and slow. Then there came the day where you stopped coming around. The day when I didn’t know it was our final goodbye.

These one thousand and ninety-five pages are filled with these memories, both good and bad and the memories of what we were and what we are.

Page one is about the day I met you.

Page one thousand and ninety-seven is about the day you broke my heart.

After the last page was written, I took all of these pages and threw them into a fire. I threw them into a fire so these pages could never be re-lived and the pain could never be re-felt and the words can never be re-read.

I burned all one thousand and ninety-seven memories we had ever shared and I hope you can understand.

This is just something I came up with and it’s been on my mind for a few days after listening to the song Burn the Pages by Sia. By absolutely no means is this the next greatest thing since Nicholas Sparks wrote The Notebook, it was just something I wanted to give a try. Also, in total honesty, I’ll probably read through this a thousand times and update it and make changes just because it’ll probably bother me.

Signed,

Neutrality

I Swear There Is A Story Behind This

  I recently drew this in my dorm buildings graffiti room and let me tell you the whirl-wind of emotions I had built up all fell into this simple drawing. 

Moving to Chicago has honestly been so hard and I didn’t like it at first and I’m still on the fence about it. I’ve also been dealing with a lot of personal emotions and different things from the past being brought up and just all sorts of regular teen drama. It’s days like those where I really love that I only have a year left of teen drama and then move into adult drama where all I have to worry about is money. Actually, I take that back. 

Anyways, I wanted to share this drawing because I want to share just the smallest piece of advice I’ve slowly learned over time; Don’t go into the world empty handed thinking that the world will come to you. Like it says in my small drawing above, don’t expect the world. 

I’ve learned over the last couple of years that taking a back seat to your own life is the worst thing you can possibly do. You can’t let people walk all over you while they’re out snatching up all of your opportunities. I had done that for the longest time and I’m starting to understand that it’s wrong. Yes, I have had to be a little more assertive in my ways, but it’s getting me where I need to be and that’s good. However, you also can’t climb over everyone else to get to the top. Don’t mistake your success for entitlement. 

Well that’s all I have to say for now and in all honesty, I’ll probably edit this over and over again till I feel it’s perfectly worded. Anyways…

Signing off for at least a few hours today, this has been Neutrality.