Thoughts From the Airplane

Hello my dearies. Yes, it’s been quite a while since my last post. With the end of my first semester of college, moving out of my apartment dorm, and going on vacation, things have been a little hectic and draining. However, with a nice long vacation in the carribbean, I’m feeling especially refreshed and full of new ideas and thoughts. So, with that being said, I want to tell you all my airplane thoughts.

Over the past week, I’ve taken four plane rides to and from the carribbean. A total of  almost nine hours of air travel. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken an early morning flight, the kind where it’s still dark outside, but it’s quite amazing. There’s something about take off and watching all the lights pass you by then slowly slip away as you leave the ground. To get even more cheesy, I was also listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity. Somewhere in all of this beauty, I had myself thinking. As the lights of nearby communities slowly slipped away further and further from me, I could only think of how many people lived in those communities.

I thought about how many people were in each one of those thousands of houses that I was flying over. I thought about how each one of those individuals was going to wake up in the next few hours, get dressed and eat breakfast, and then go on with their day doing what they believe they are meant for. Then I thought where do I fit in with all of these people? I know it’s quite a melodramatic question, but haven’t we all thought that at least once in our lives? Where do we fit in with the rest of the world? Well this was my moment. As I watched these unknown people in their unfamiliar homes become invisible through cloud cover, I couldn’t shake the question from my mind.

I still haven’t been able to answer this question. Over the last month, I changed my major to creative writing and my minor to photography and the same question gets asked every time I say this: What are you going to do with a degree in creative writing? I was also asked this question a lot when my major was photography. I know you’re supposed to have an idea in mind as to what you want to be or what you want to do when you finish your college career, but this time last year, I had to ask to go to the bathroom at school. I don’t even know what I want to have for dinner tomorrow night and you’re asking me what I want to do for the rest of my life? Maybe I am being a little dramatic, in fact I know I am, but I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just want to be happy.

I don’t think people think about their happiness enough. I always ask myself that when I’m eighty years old and sitting in a rocking chair with my cat on my lap, will I be happy with how I’ve spent my life? Yes, I know having a career and being financially stable and all that junk is important, but as a human being you’re allowed to do the things that make you happy. Maybe it’s just me, but I see more people working just to make money rather than working because they were in love with what they were doing. Maybe it’s just me. I’m a firm believer in doing what makes you happy no matter the outcome, unless of course if you put someone’s life in danger. That’s a whole other story and when you get caught doing whatever you’re doing, don’t use my name.

To get back to what I was saying earlier, I have no clue where I fit in with the rest of the world at all and I’m totally content with that. Yes, it’ll be a frustrating, long trek down a foggy, uncertain path, but it’s something I need to do to be happy. Even with the unexpected twists and turns, I intend to smell every rose and gaze at every star in the night sky. You’re probably thinking at this point well that’s just a waste of time but let me tell you something: when I’m eighty years old, sitting in my rocking chair with my cat on my lap, I’ll be able to say I lived my life happily and I can die knowing I did what was best for me.

Who knows, maybe when I’m eighty I’ll still be writing and taking photographs. In fact, I know I will be.

11:45 PM

Here I am at 11:45 PM and I have to get up at 6:45 in the morning to be able to make my activities for the day and I’ve been tired all day as it is. I guess tomorrow I’ll really be needing the coffee. However, being tired leaves me with my thoughts and that could either be really good or really bad.

So, here’s my one thought I’ve had that I can actually make sense of; when you have an opportunity in front of you, don’t jump into it, you need to dive into it. You can’t look at something on the surface and only understand the surface. You have to go deeper and understand what it’s really all about.

My fault is that I see things on the surface and I don’t want to take the time to understand deeper because I feel like I already know everything that could go wrong. I can admit to that and I can also admit that I’ve been trying to harder to get better at that. However, I’m not doing so well. When I see things on the surface, I get nervous and I don’t want to make myself vulnerable by diving into something that could go awry. So if you ever feel like I’m not 100% putting myself out there, that’s why.

I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks how this is really hurting me in different life situations and I’m honestly trying to be better about these things. I know that this isn’t the best thought out blog I’ve written and I’m probably going to end up deleting this in the morning when I wake up and realize how poor this really is. But, now, here I am, a few hours later at 1:02 AM. My thoughts have remained the same and the one at the forefront of my mind is still this; don’t jump, just dive.

-Neutrality

A Small Something On the Spot

I wrote a book with one thousand and ninety-seven pages.

The first page is about the day I met you.

The last page is about the day you broke my heart.

The one thousand and ninety-five pages in between are about every day I was in love with you. Head over heels, madly, hopelessly, and shamelessly in love with you.

I can remember the day we met, from the last day I saw you. I remember tiny details of small conversations. I remember the late nights spent talking and sometimes the talking for days on end.

I remember the times you would never talk to me and make me beg for your attention. I can feel the tear-filled nights like a fresh wound. I can remember every small dig you made into me and you having no idea.

There were days when you felt so close and days you felt a million miles away. Every hello was a blessing and every goodbye was said with a heavy heart. Days and days would pass and I wouldn’t see you and those would be lonely and slow. Then there came the day where you stopped coming around. The day when I didn’t know it was our final goodbye.

These one thousand and ninety-five pages are filled with these memories, both good and bad and the memories of what we were and what we are.

Page one is about the day I met you.

Page one thousand and ninety-seven is about the day you broke my heart.

After the last page was written, I took all of these pages and threw them into a fire. I threw them into a fire so these pages could never be re-lived and the pain could never be re-felt and the words can never be re-read.

I burned all one thousand and ninety-seven memories we had ever shared and I hope you can understand.

This is just something I came up with and it’s been on my mind for a few days after listening to the song Burn the Pages by Sia. By absolutely no means is this the next greatest thing since Nicholas Sparks wrote The Notebook, it was just something I wanted to give a try. Also, in total honesty, I’ll probably read through this a thousand times and update it and make changes just because it’ll probably bother me.

Signed,

Neutrality

Drawing To A Close

Tonight, I find myself being extremely nostalgic of the last three months that have seemingly flown by. It’s now midnight and I’m typing away listening to my favorite song, Ribs by Lorde. If you don’t know who Lorde is, start using the internet.

Anyways, let me tell you why I’m feeling especially sappy and nostalgic.

In a short six days, I’ll be sleeping in a different bed for about nine months. I’m leaving for college. Even though I’m only an hour away from home, in the great city of Chicago, I’m going to miss this place. I know in one of my last written posts I wrote about how much I hate this town, which is still very true today, but I’m going to be away from my closest friends and family for a while and that kind of sucks.

Four of my five closest friends have already gone back for their second year of college while one stays behind with me for now. My best friends have given me the summer I’ve always wanted this year. In my head, I always picture everything having this cinematic feel, like my life is really a movie and everything happens how I want it to. Even though that seems odd and so ridiculous, it’s how I’ve pictured almost my entire life.

I think being able to cut loose after graduating high school this summer with my friends has really helped me to understand who I am and who I want to be and where I’m going with my life. We’ve spent late nights talking and being honest about how unreal and close the future really is now. We went on a trip to Starved Rock, we’ve gone to the beach, we’ve spent a day in the city, we’ve spent countless nights at Wal-Mart at ungodly hours, we went to IHop at midnight which was a first for me, we’ve had countless bonfires, attempted stargazing, and this all led to our final goodbyes.

I can’t help but tear up now thinking about how we’re all really growing up now and we’re all making our own way in this world and going in our own directions. Saying goodbye is always really hard, especially when you share so many memories.

I’m going to miss dancing in the car with my two closest friends, making late trips to the mall, all the bonfires where we sit around and roast each other. I know that no matter what they’ll always be around for me, and I’ll always be around for them, but it sucks not having all of my friends physically here.

With all of this being said, I’d like to leave you all with one simple piece of advice.

Life will push, pull, trip, and shove you in all different directions. One day you’ll be out of the house chasing your dreams, living the life and then the next you’ll be in bed ready to take a sick day for the next week. But the great thing about that is you don’t go through it alone. You’ll always have a friend there when you need one.

To younger readers, make the most of your time at home and make great memories because before you know it, life is going to flash by and that is exactly how I’m feeling at this exact moment. Don’t become sappy, nostalgic me. Don’t wait till your last summer at home to make the most of it.

Signing off for the night, this is Neutrality.