Here’s An Unfinished Piece

Because of you, I am not the same person.

I used to lay my legs on your lap and rest my head on your shoulder. I sang songs to you and whispered poems into your ears late at night. You would look at me with wide green eyes and tell me how you loved my voice and you could listen to it all night long. How my voice could soothe you and and how my songs were nothing without such a voice to follow; how my songs were nothing without me.

I used to rest my hands in yours and drag you into the middle of the living room to dance with me. I would put on something light and fun and dance all around you and you would laugh. You would laugh at how silly I would become and you’d pretend to be impressed with my terrible dancing. Then you would change the music and put on something slow and romantic, then you’d take me by the hand and waist. You would twirl me around and dip me all the way to the floor.

I used to sit in our sunroom and stare out the windows with a blank stare and a blank canvas in front of me. You’d bring me piping hot coffee in the morning and warm tea in the afternoon. You would wrap your arms around me and tell me that inspiration would come if I stopped thinking about it so hard. I would say you’re right and then dipped my brushes into the paint. You would sit there with me drinking tea and we’d get distracted from my work and talk about our futures and our lives.

I used to sit in our living room and daydream about us. I would stare at you while you read the morning papers or your work reports and think about how lucky I was to be in love with someone as beautiful as you. You would catch me looking at you and ask me if something was wrong and I’d say no. Then you’d come over to me and kiss one cheek, the other cheek, and my lips. You’d laugh and tell me how lovingly silly I was.

Because of you, I am not the same person.

I can’t sing anymore. I don’t want to dance anymore. I have no inspiration to paint. I no longer daydream about being the luckiest person alive. All of these things were things that you did to me or made me feel. Now you’re gone and so is everything I was. Shame on me for looking so deeply into your green eyes. Shame on me for singing for someone whose love was not undying. Shame on me for believing those laughs were laughs of endearment.

 

This is something I started working on today. It’s definitely unfinished but I hope you guys like it so far.

Thank You

My heart is a precious thing. It’s a precious object that beats and beats and beats. It pumps real blood and has real pulses. I know you felt the pulses, I know you did. You held me so close, closer than I had ever been held. You put me on a pedestal so high, high enough I could reach for a star and bring it back down. I can remember the day I met you, I can remember the days we could do absolutely nothing and be comfortable, I can remember the last day I ever saw you, I can remember the last thing I ever said to your face. I remember saying goodbye.

You tore every little feeling apart, to absolute shreds. I could feel the strings in my body wither away with every word you never said. I hear every chord snap inside in my body, my ears were on fire with explosions inside me. I could see my bright, red beating heart turn to a slow, dreadful grey. Turning thirty-second notes to whole notes, going from two hundred miles an hour to a mere five miles per hour.

I remember the day I saw you with her and how much I wished it was me. I looked at her and all I could feel was a complete jealous rage take over and my eyesight had gone red, then cleared with tears. I had wanted to be her more than anything and she had everything I wanted. She had you and your undivided attention and you looked at her the way I could only imagine you looking at me again. I remember the time where you looked at me like that; with total adoration and unwavering focus, like you were holding onto every word I said like it was the last word that would ever come out of my mouth. I wanted to believe that it could be like forever.

Slowly you forgot me. You forgot about those small important memories we shared and all the wonderful whimsies that had come from our almost relationship. The fire in your eyes for me had been put out and couldn’t be re-lit. I lost you and I thought it was my fault. I blamed myself for ever putting myself in a position where we made ourselves so vulnerable and susceptible to a terrible love. Everyday that passed without you by my side was terrifying and the days I saw you with her made me the most depressing shade of blue. The fire in your eyes had been lit by someone else and it saddened me to think that it couldn’t be me anymore. The sadness turned into a depression turned into a numbness.

When I was numb I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t hear anyone, and everyday turned into a routine of dragging myself out of bed pretending that I was ok and I will go on with my life. I would go on but I would still love you even after the terrible emotional instability I had been suffering from. Finally, I knew I needed to get on with my life. So I did it in the only way I knew I could; I got disgustingly drunk. I drank and I drank and then somewhere in the middle of my drunken state, I had a realization. Why was I so heartbroken by someone who couldn’t give me the time of day and ultimately didn’t give a fuck about my emotions? What the hell was I doing with myself? Why was I emotionally destroying myself over this shit? I realized I had no reason to be angry or upset or depressed because I realized I had him in my life. Somewhere in my depressive state, hungry for someones affection, I had met him and he fit a bill that hadn’t even been written up.

He became someone to me than I could even imagine at the moment. When I was with him, every terrible thought of you disappeared from my mind and I suddenly felt like I was breathing fresh air, like someone had pulled me out of the water and saved me from drowning. He made me feel things I had never felt before and had turned my melancholy sounds into a joyous opera.

I won’t go into detail about my happiness because you don’t deserve to know how my happiness. I thought you had ruined me when in reality you put me into a direction that led me to someone who is more amazing than you ever were to me. You filled me with hate and fear where he fills me with love and hope for a better me and an even better us. This is my thank you letter to you. My thank you for making me understand what I’m really worth and who I’m really worth. My thank you for the tear soaked and mascara stained pillow cases that led to a crave for affection. My thank you for leading me to him and making me see the beauty in not being with you. I hope this letter makes you understand how much instability you caused me and how your decisions affected me even when you took me out of your equation of creating the perfect life. I hope you realize how you ruined me and my image of myself. I hope you realize what you’re capable of and that you never do it to another person.

Thank you for helping me find him and leaving behind the person I had become when I was in love with you.

Motivational Phrases People Should Be Told

Over the last few months, I have made a lot of changes in my life. By this time next year, I’ll be living in Baton Rouge and going to Louisiana State University, hopefully on the LSU color guard. I will not be continuing my education at Columbia College next semester and have also changed my major. I applied to be a contributing writer for a website the tI’m absolutely obsessed with and have decided that I want to make a career out of writing. All this change and not a lot of time to process it all at once. So this week, I had heard a couple of phrases that lifted my spirits and gave me some motivation to work harder and push myself further.

1.) “You don’t get anywhere if you don’t try.”

Let me start this by saying someone said this to an elevator full of people when he tried to squeeze in. I guess he really didn’t have the patience to wait for the next one. However, I thought about this one deeply. Many a time in my life have I given up on something because it got too hard and I wasn’t trying hard enough or pushing myself to be better. For instance, I was on the Track and Field team in the seventh grade and when it got too hard for me, I decided to quit. Once I had quit I immediately regretted the decision. I’m convinced I’m still paying for this decision. With that being said, I think this one small instance has helped me push myself further. Ever since then, I was on my eighth grade cheer squad, I have been on a varsity level scholastic color guard team, participate in a highly competitive winter guard, and I think I’ve even improved my running somewhere along the way. Go me, getting back to the roots of what caused me to push myself.

So, to all my readers who need a little extra motivation to finish out their day or to go for something they might be nervous to, you don’t get anywhere if you don’t try. No matter how big or how small, just try and you will succeed. Don’t hold back.

2.) “Thank God you’re here.”

Now, while this isn’t a particularly obvious motivator, I think it’s one phrase that can make anyone feel good about themselves. I heard someone say this to another person in my history class this week and I thought it was the sweetest thing anyone could say. When this person said this, he followed it with, “I firmly believe that everyone should be told this at least once in their life.” How sweet and adorable is that? Now, here’s why I think this is considered a motivational phrase. If I’m honest, my personal life has kind of sucked over the last couple of months, but lately it’s been looking up for multiple reasons. So, when people say things like this to others, it genuinely makes you feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself, you feel more motivated to push yourself towards your goals. This is why, along with my history class mystery man, I believe it’s important people should be told “Thank God you’re here.”

Once again, to my readers, thank God you’re here. Without you I wouldn’t be writing and I wouldn’t have decided to make a career out of writing.

From your dearest,

Neutrality

11:45 PM

Here I am at 11:45 PM and I have to get up at 6:45 in the morning to be able to make my activities for the day and I’ve been tired all day as it is. I guess tomorrow I’ll really be needing the coffee. However, being tired leaves me with my thoughts and that could either be really good or really bad.

So, here’s my one thought I’ve had that I can actually make sense of; when you have an opportunity in front of you, don’t jump into it, you need to dive into it. You can’t look at something on the surface and only understand the surface. You have to go deeper and understand what it’s really all about.

My fault is that I see things on the surface and I don’t want to take the time to understand deeper because I feel like I already know everything that could go wrong. I can admit to that and I can also admit that I’ve been trying to harder to get better at that. However, I’m not doing so well. When I see things on the surface, I get nervous and I don’t want to make myself vulnerable by diving into something that could go awry. So if you ever feel like I’m not 100% putting myself out there, that’s why.

I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks how this is really hurting me in different life situations and I’m honestly trying to be better about these things. I know that this isn’t the best thought out blog I’ve written and I’m probably going to end up deleting this in the morning when I wake up and realize how poor this really is. But, now, here I am, a few hours later at 1:02 AM. My thoughts have remained the same and the one at the forefront of my mind is still this; don’t jump, just dive.

-Neutrality