Here I am. It’s two a.m. and I’m no where close to being able to fall asleep. Stress really starts to hit me like this. I become an insomniac for weeks and weeks. Maybe I should just give sleep up all together. Anyways…
I have two weeks till I move into my apartment for college. Maybe the stresses of leaving are getting to me, or maybe it’s the stresses of another four years of schooling. Growing up in this tiny town, it’s unheard of to not go to college. It’s a norm. But it’s only just started to hit me, what if I don’t want to go to college? Am I just scared to grow old? Am I scared to grow old and follow a normal lifestyle? Am I just afraid of being normal? Or is there just something wrong with me?
It was pointed out to me one day that I’m what you would call the ‘outcast’ of the family. I’m going to art school and I do think exceptionally different than the rest of my family. It gets kind of lonely sometimes.
Only then did I start to realize maybe I’m just the outcast of this town. I hate this tiny town, with it’s tiny people, and fake houses, and fake lives. Everyone, no matter how different on the outside, is the exact same on the inside, and I don’t mean anatomically. And then there’s me. I have never met anyone who thinks the same way I do besides my small group of friends. Even then I still feel different, like an outcast.
It’s actually really scary to me to think that I’m getting old. I’m afraid for what life has in store for me and I’m afraid of being a normal adult with a normal desk job. I never want to be that person.
If I ever become that person I don’t think I could forgive myself. I don’t like normality. I tried it for a while in high school and then I got involved in the art scene, as I like to say.
While I don’t post often on here, I think you’ll be seeing a lot more late night posts from me and my inner-neutral spaces thoughts.
This is Neutrality, signing off for the night.